“What scares you the most?”
The sun, the moon, the stars – still shines brightly. The birds still sing merrily. The wind still blows gently. The world passionately pretended nothing has changed. But he knew, deep down, ….
I stopped writing and looked at her. She was sitting opposite me, wrapped in her favorite white dress. Her hair, tied in a careless bun, lay on her shoulder. Her deep brown eyes – fixed on me, but had a sense of sadness. Her fingers – wrapped around the latest Stephen King page turner.
“Suddenly?”
“How can we get to know each other if we don’t know what we hide form the world – our true self? Only when we see each other’s naked dark thoughts, we begin to understand. And fear, true fear, I think is one of the most humane emotions. Often it makes us run from something – maybe also towards something. Or someone.”
I nod.
What am I scared of?
Of losing my job? The feeling that I might be unsuccessful in my career unsettled me a little. Everything I have worked for over the years, every sacrifice I made – all will be for nothing? I shift a little in my seat.
Of not finding love? Isn’t everyone searching for love – like we are doing in this very moment? That exhilarating moment when you find the one whom you were looking for all along. That moment of magic when another soul resonates with yours. What if this not that moment? What if that moment eludes me – always?
I looked outside as the train came to stop at the Prague station. People were hugging, kissing, smiling, waving – some goodbyes, some welcome backs.
Does this scare me?
Of saying goodbye to loved ones? What if I find myself enchanted by someone, only to see the spell being broken? The journey over the years to find that magic, only to realise that it was all an illusion? Those moments of laughter, of joy, of exuberance, of love – only to turn them into memories of the distant. A dry, heavy lump forms in my throat.
Of not saying goodbye to loved ones? Bruno. Every time he looks at me with those dreamy eyes and wags his tail, I let go of my darkness and feel rejuvenated. What if I miss showering him with love, and one day, all of a sudden, he’s gone? A sudden urge to go back home to him overwhelms me.
Of death? Death. The truth which awaits all at the end of our journey.
I look outside.
Death. The ineludible whisper which exists in the gutsy wind blowing, in the dauntless shimmering lights of the distant house, in the dainty flowers on the vase, in the nondescript table between us, in the soft sound of the piano playing in my phone. The sombre shadow which lurks behind, waiting patiently for the moment when we bow down. And then, the curtain falls. The darkness. The frozen time. The end.
What am I scared of the most?
“Of vanishing.” I finally knew.
“What?”
“The idea of death came to my mind. And with that, I, once again, came face to face with the insignificance of my life. How I am just another speck of dust in this vastness. How I can vanish into the universe and no one, no one will miss me.”
I paused for a moment to put words to my thoughts.
“Others will grow. Only I will stay frozen, forever. I am here now, and then I won’t be here. Everyone else will go on. Time will go on. And I would be nothing but a small blip.”
She kept silently staring at me. Twenty, maybe thirty, seconds pass. What are her eyes screaming?
She places a page marker and puts down the book. And then she speaks.
“And how do you face your fear? Do you simply accept it, or do you try to fight it? Or rather, can you even fight the inevitable?”
“I believe every soul wants to be heard, to be understood, to be seen. And if you can be brave enough, you can do it. To really listen what the eyes speak. To really understand what the soul sings. To really see what lies underneath.”
I am interrupted by the mechanical voice telling us that the next stop will be coming in fifteen minutes. Our destination. We both get up and start to arrange our bags. As I put my laptop inside, I continue.
“So, I try to be brave. Brave enough to find that connection. Brave enough to face their demons and still stay.”
“How does that stop you from vanishing?”
“I know one day I will not be here. That is the one inexorable truth. I can not run or hide from it. But before I am gone, before I turn to flames, before the journey comes to an end, I want to touch someone’s heart. Then, I do not vanish.”
“Touching the heart of a lover, you mean?”
“Yes. And no. If I could spread joy – even to one heart – be it of a lover, of a friend, of a stranger, I believe I would not vanish. I would have something to hold onto. I would have something to cherish. That is all we need, you know? A little hope, a little empathy, a little love.”
The train comes to a stop. We get up. We have reached our destination.
As the train vanishes into the night, leaving us behind, she takes my hand in her.
Maybe, I have something to hold onto.
Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash
Utopia 