Utopia

As the alarm goes off at 8 in the morning, I find myself staring at the ceiling. Sleep had long washed away from my eyes – two, maybe three hours ago? My mind was too swarmed to be silent, but yet, strangely was at peace.

Today marks the beginning of a new year. But the usual excitement and eagerness escaped me this time. The past year was one which I will always remember. A year which the world will always remember – for it was a year marred with chaos. And for the last two hours I was desperately trying to unravel the significance of the past three hundred and sixty six days on my life.

Was it all chaos? Or was there some order in midst of the chaos? Or was it chaos within order, within chaos – all juxtaposed?

As I silently turn to my side and adjust the duvet, my mind races back to one morning many, many years ago.

Winter had just set in and I was back at my parents for the holidays. I had finished my first cup of coffee for the day and had positioned myself comfortably on the plush couch in the balcony and was lazily looking at the road outside. The city was waking up at its own leisurely pace as the dense white fogs were starting to disappear with the rising sun. A small, grey bird on the railing was soaking in the early morning sun oblivious to my presence – as was I to it’s name. Ah, a perfect morning, I thought.

”Ronnie, scooch over.” My father’s voice evaporated the cloud of silence which had hung over us. As I moved over to make space for him, I noticed the bird flying away. Maybe to another home in search of tranquility. So long my friend, I bade the little one goodbye.

”Where are you lost?”

“Nothing important. Just looking at the peace and order before the chaos of the day starts. Once the sun shines a little brighter, the serene silence will be engulfed by the cacophony of chaos.” I gave him a dry smile.

“And I presume you don’t like the chaos?” He asked.

”Who does?” I knew he could sense the hint of sarcasm in my voice.

He took a sip of coffee and looked outside. Twenty, maybe thirty seconds passed. Finally, he said, ” Tell me, do you know the yin yang symbol?”

“The Taoist symbol of a circle enclosing twin serpents – one black with a white dot in its head and a white with a black dot in the head? It’s commonly translated as feminine and masculine.” I beamed with pride after the display of knowledge.

“Good. But they are also interpreted as chaos and order, the black one – chaos, and the white – order. And the dots represent that they are interchangeable – nothing is constant, and everything can and will change – chaos can transform into order and order into chaos. So if today’s chaos is tomorrow’s order then will you still say that you don’t like what appears to be chaos today?”

”But the hardships of chaos are very real. Are they not? Do you mean that I have to love the distress only because it might transform one day into the comfort of luxury?” I wasn’t convinced.

“Of course it is real. Being overwhelmed by the miseries of chaos is equally real. And when you’re defeated and are on your knees, it is difficult to even look at the face of adversity. But in that precise moment, you have to stand right back up and face them with your head held high.”

I sneered. What was my dad even saying? Did he not realise that he made no sense? “How can someone who has been so brutally punched by life even find the strength to get up? And even if he does, do you not think that the hardships, the chaos will be ready to crush him, once again?”

”All you say is true, Ronnie. But you forget one thing. You are not just flesh and blood. When you stand up tall and smile – your spirit, your psyche will shine with confidence. When you face your battles of your own free accord, your approach to chaos – to life will change. In the face of unknown you will not take refuge in running away, rather look forward to it as an opportunity to grow, to know the unknown. You will not accept defeat even before you face the demons of life, rather prepare to come out victorious from the battles.”

A sudden and loud barking of a dog halted him. I looked out to see our neighbor’s dog chasing a bird. Was it the same one from before? I scrunched my eyes in a futile attempt to see.

The sun had already shed it’s blanket of coziness and shone brightly. I shifted a little bit to shield my face from it’s brute strength. By then, the city was wide awake and humming with people busy in their daily routines.

He finished his coffee and continued, “In life it is not always necessary to be strong, you know? You only have to feel strong. In life, it’s important to find yourself all alone in the most primordial conditions at least once with nothing to help you but yourself. There, even if you’re the most physically strong and skilful but lack the confidence and the courage, you won’t survive long. But one who feels strong and is more confident and exudes self belief, has higher chance of survival.”

“What? How does ‘feeling’ strong help me to survive the battles?”

“Human body is a beautiful creation. The moment your spirit feels confident and strong, your nervous system reacts differently and your body is flushed with serotonin and you are already a victor in your mind. And most times, that is all it takes.” He smiled at me. “And always know, nothing is constant and transformation is the only divine law.”

“So that’s what the Taoist symbol tries to explain? That there are no absolutes for living a life. No man, no laws of science can see ahead to everything that can happen in life. Hence the chaos and order are interchangeable and are juxtaposed eternally?”

“Exactly! Only change is constant. Every element in nature alters. We, human beings transform throughout our life. As we grow old and gain wisdom, and knowledge, and experience our beliefs change. They must change. So we should live our lives in a state of constant discovery. We should walk through life as if it an adventure and be open to experience it in heightened awareness. We should pledge our evolution on our willingness to accept and adapt to changes.”

He got up to get another cup of coffee, leaving me once again awestruck by the lucidity of his explanation. I looked around and realised that change is everywhere – in the silent city of the morning transforming into a vibrant one,in the timid early morning sun metamorphosing into the brazen one at day, in my lazy, silent morning becoming an illuminating tête-à-tête with dad.

Change is the only constant – words to live by. So chaos is order and order – chaos. I sighed.

The clock goes off again.

As I return to my present, I could sense hope and optimism beginning to grow. I could sense an eagerness to welcome the new year.

Maybe what broke our hearts yesterday will glow our hearts with warmth today.

Maybe what seemed chaos yesterday will be order today.

Maybe what was lost yesterday will be found today.

I get up and dial my dad’s number. As the phone starts ringing, I wished that maybe, just maybe this year is the one we all were waiting for. There is hope, still.

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Photo by Jack Prichett on Unsplash